Write a letter of forgiveness (you don't have to send it)

To write a letter of forgiveness that you will not send removes the hardest constraint on saying difficult things: managing how the other person receives it. Without an audience you can be unfair, repetitive and contradictory, and get to the end of the thought rather than stopping at the version you could defend.

Why write a letter of forgiveness (you don't have to send it) is worth an hour

Expressive writing about emotionally significant events has reasonable research support, and the mechanism appears to be that writing forces a vague, circling feeling into ordered sentences. The unsent framing removes self-censorship entirely. Deciding whether to send it is a separate decision made days later, when the writing has already done its work.

How to write a letter of forgiveness (you don't have to send it) step by step

1. 1

   Decide before you start that it is unsent

   This is what makes honesty possible. Writing for a reader produces a different and less useful document.

2. 2

   Describe what happened plainly

   Facts first, without interpretation. The plain account is often more revealing than the feelings about it.

3. 3

   Write the effect it had

   Specifically and at length. This is usually the part that has never been articulated to anyone.

4. 4

   Say what you want to release

   Forgiveness here means letting go of carrying it, not deciding what happened was acceptable.

5. 5

   Put it away for a week

   Then reread. Whether to send it is a separate decision, and it looks different after some distance.

Tips to get more out of it

• Forgiveness does not require reconciliation, contact, or agreeing that the behavior was acceptable.
• Write by hand if you can. The slower pace suits the material and there is no temptation to edit as you go.
• If the subject involves trauma, this is better done with a therapist than alone. Stop if it becomes distressing.

Ways to mix it up

If forgiveness is not where you are, write a letter of complaint instead and be entirely unreasonable in it; the honesty is the useful part. If the person has died, the same exercise is frequently more valuable, since the conversation cannot happen any other way.

Write a letter of forgiveness (you don't have to send it): frequently asked questions