Learn about emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is often discussed as something you either have or lack, which makes it useless as a goal. Broken into components it becomes far more workable: noticing your own state, managing it, reading other people, and handling relationships. Those are four distinct skills, and most people are strong at some and weak at others.

Why learn about emotional intelligence is worth an hour

Separating the components tells you what to work on. Someone highly attuned to others may be poor at regulating their own reactions, and general advice helps neither. Self-awareness is also foundational in a specific way: you cannot manage a state you have not noticed, which is why it is worth assessing first.

How to learn about emotional intelligence step by step

1. 1

   Learn the four components

   Self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, relationship management. Each is separate and trainable independently.

2. 2

   Rate yourself honestly on each

   Most people are noticeably stronger at two. The weakest is where an hour produces the most change.

3. 3

   Ask someone who knows you

   Self-assessment in this area is unreliable in predictable directions. An outside view usually corrects it sharply.

4. 4

   Name emotions more precisely

   Frustrated, disappointed, anxious and irritated are different states. Precision improves regulation more than it sounds like it should.

5. 5

   Practice the pause

   Notice the reaction before responding to it. This single habit covers most of self-regulation in practice.

Tips to get more out of it

• Be skeptical of commercial EQ tests. The underlying research is real; much of the assessment industry around it is not.
• Track your state at a few fixed points daily for a week. Patterns emerge that are invisible in the moment.
• Empathy is a skill rather than a feeling. Asking one good question is often more effective than trying harder to feel something on cue.

Ways to mix it up

If you manage people, focus the hour on social awareness and reading a room, which is where the leverage is at that job. If your difficulty is reacting too quickly, spend it entirely on regulation techniques rather than covering all four components.

Learn about emotional intelligence: frequently asked questions